SUPT Journal:
Final Entry
It is with an extremely heavy heart that I type this, yet I guess I owe it to my "fans" out there. I am the last guy in the world who expected to be going through it, yet here I am. As you may recall from previous entries, things were getting pretty tough for me and I was having thoughts of quitting on an increasingly frequent basis. "I can't quit," I told myself. "I'm not a quitter! Lots of people have gone through this." Yet every day I was more and more unhappy; and whereas a lot of my classmates were unhappy in the flight room, they still had a good time when they were up flying. Me... it got to the point where I would've rather had a root canal then step to the jet. People have asked me... "Was flying hard for you?" No, not really. In fact, people were telling me that my flying was probably near the top of my class. This and lots of other questions have been posed to me by many people on a variety of occasions, and there's no one thing I can point to and say "I was miserable because XYZ." But I was still miserable. Again... this all came as a big shock to me, because I've wanted to do this for many years and until my 2302 ride (2nd time in the jet) I still thought it was what I wanted to do. But everything after that went downhill; I promised myself I wouldn't SIE until I knew that I had gone absolutely as far as I could, and that day came on Tuesday, 29 April.
I went in for our morning formal brief, and my whole body (and brain) felt numb. I stared blankly at the wall during the weather brief, correctly answered my shotgun question (about the hydraulic system) and then stared blankly at the wall during the stand-up EP. When it was over I had about 10 minutes to prepare for my late-morning jet... but I knew I couldn't fly that day. Somehow I knew... I wouldn't be flying any more at all. I asked my IP, Capt. Perkins, if we could talk privately, and I shared with him all my misgivings and what I had been thinking over the last 10 days or so. Usually there is no bigger hard-ass than Capt. Perkins; he could really get on your case, but I also respected him for that because he'd give it to you straight. At that point he told me to go home for the rest of the day and think about things and come back with an answer one way or another in the morning. I knew that would happen - you can talk to the chaplain all you want (and I did, several times) and you can talk with your buddies, but when you have that talk with an IP, it brings the issue to a head and forces a decision. Later in the afternoon I was called back in to talk with one of the ADOs in the squadron and he basically reiterated what Capt. Perkins had said about thinking this through carefully, because it's a one-way street I was about to go down. I understood.
I spent a lot more time praying about things that afternoon and evening, and I spoke with my family and friends, and they were all very supportive of me no matter what I chose. In the morning I spent another 40 minutes speaking with the chaplain and then I met with my Flt/CC to inform him that I didn't think I could continue in the program. Again, it was an extremely hard decision to make because I had so many factors to consider - my past, my future plans, what I saw as my responsibilities to myself and others... Nevertheless, after the decision was made, I felt quite a bit better about it - like a load had been lifted from my shoulders. After that I reported back to the Transition Office and spent the next week waiting to be interviewed by a series of increasingly high-ranked people. They prodded me to be sure I was satisfied with my decision, gave me more information, etc. In the end, however, despite a few regrets (just a few) I still felt that my destiny lies elsewhere. I also learned about the Rosetta Stone program, which is really an incredible opportunity for anyone in the military. If you're active duty, you should look into it.
At this point I need to find another casual job on base here (and I've got one in mind right now, I just need to make some phone calls) and begin looking into alternate career fields. I have one in mind but again, I need to make some phone calls before I can make that decision.
I understand that I've gathered a few "fans" via my site. I'm sorry if I've disappointed any of you. Trust me, you're far less disappointed than I am. Usually I deal with stress very well, and even when I started to realize that I might not make it, I thought I would still go a lot farther than I did. I was very surprised (and not a little depressed) by how quickly I folded. If any of you has questions or concerns with regards to either my decision or any of the training that I've received so far, please don't hesitate to contact me as I would be happy to share my (admittedly limited) knowledge with you along with any other insights I've gleaned. I may add to this a little down the road when I learn more, but then again, maybe not. This isn't the end that I had envisioned for my journal... but life doesn't always turn out the way we expect. Best of luck to all of you in the future.
- Jim
Last modified: Monday, 12 May 2003 - 12:48PM